Welcome ellipses… I added them to the title for no other reason than to show that things here are ongoing. If I keep up with blogging, this could be a record covering years. I’m on step one of a lot of steps. I’m going to go with a reoccuring theme, but it scares me. I’m doing this blog for myself, so I can get my insecurities out in the open and hopefully talk myself through the things I know I’m going to struggle with.

I’m told it’s hard to become a doctor. I know it’s hard. I feel like people are laughing at me, secretly. I would. I’d laugh at me. I tell people, they smile, nod. Like I say to myself: "We’ll see." My decision was so sudden. Sudden to those around me, at least, though in reality it’s been brewing for quite awhile. That’s how I am. Sudden, impulsive, insecure, arrogant and ambitious. It’s a dangerous combination, all of that and my inability to complete things. I start, almost finish, then drop it. It scares my wife, and I can’t blame her. She’s seen the way I am, the mania, getting all fired up, then deciding it’s not worth it. Why aim for the sky when just a few steps up is so much easier.

I need to aim for the sky. I need to feel successful. I’m so painfully insecure that I need something to fall back on that says that I am good enough. Why would I want to try something that makes me feel inadequate? It took me twenty-five years to get to this point, waiting, confused, not knowing where to go. I wanted lightning to strike and tell me what to do when I grew up. Then I grew up, got married, had a kid (he’s great, by the way!) and yet I still didn’t decide. I spent five aimless years existing, and I hate existing. I hate not accomplishing things, learning nothing.  God willing, myself willing, I can conquer my Everest. Please.