It rolls off the tongue.

Medical School, Medschool, School of Medicine…

I’m having a hard time not saying it. I want to talk about it, devour it and somehow get my mind around the idea that I have a goal. A tangible, no holds barred, stunning, go for the gold, goal.

I wanted to be lots of things. A marine biologist (which still sounds kind of fun) a computer programmer (dear God, what was I thinking) a video editor, a writer, a business man. At some point I’m sure I had similar dreams to my son’s who’s convinced that he wants to be a skateboarder and a daddy when he grows up. I was never sure, though. If someone asked me, I would have said: "A video editor, yeah I think that sounds good. I like it, Ok, it’s not bad." And I would have convinced myself that I meant it. 

In some ways, I’m glad that it took me this long to decide. At least I didn’t waste my time doing something that I really didn’t want and thought I did. I can tell myself that, until I think that I could be graduating from medical school soon, had I decided this from day one. I didn’t, and It’s OK. I’m sure now, and I never was before. This feels right, and I’ve not had that feeling before. I feel like I’m making this decision at the last possible second, as always in my life, squeaking through at the last second possible to make it, but I am making the right decision, painful as it is.  I’m smart, I believe that. Certainly not a genius, but I have high expectations for myself and it kills me to not be living up to them.

I used to do nothing but learn, I read the entire worldbook encyclopedia when I was younger, because I just wanted to know everything. I’m interested in everything. I want to know. It’s why I can get distracted at times. Learning is what I live for. Which is why I’ve felt dead for so long.  I tried to grow up. Do responsible things. I gave up learning for learning’s sake and hid behind the closed door of responsibility. I haven’t had time to learn, just to work. I’ve hated it. Hated going nowhere, or at least going somewhere that deep down I knew was the wrong place.  It’s going to be a wild ride, and I don’t feel ready, but here it comes.